- Tee-shirt sales are down in our nation’s capital. Hawkers near the Smithsonian have slashed prices, and can’t even give away childrens’ and youth-sized “Someday I’m Gonna Be Speaker” shirts. Pink, yellow and blue baby bibs imprinted with the National Zoo animals remain top sellers, but sales for elephant bibs are down.
- Fresh produce sales, on the other hand, are up. Lunch vendors outside the Capitol have noted a sharp increase in customers ordering a side of day-old, soft whole tomatoes, instead of the usual lettuce and tomato slices added to sandwiches and paninis.
- Essential emergency workers on duty near the Capitol building report an increase in the number of people suffering from head pains in recent days. Essential emergency workers also report that a reddish blood-like substance has been staining the hair, faces and clothing of the stricken.
- The city’s essential garbage detail has declared a street emergency, and has petitioned Congress to transition “Non-Essential” street sweepers to “Essential” status immediately. Workers are attempting to eradicate the growing large red slick on the street pavement.
- Non-essential furloughed lawyers have begun moonlighting because “slip and fall” accidents outside the Capitol are on the rise.
- In related news, the Chicago Board of Trade has noted an increase in futures trading for the tomato crop.
October 11, 2013