- Instead of saying, “I love you this much!” my little kids taught me to say, “I love you this much plus a googol plus infinity.”
- Yes. I really do have eyes in the back of my head and if you poke your fingers in my hair trying to find them, it’ll hurt, so don’t do that.
- When you come home from school today we are going to walk to the polling place. You can come in the booth with me and watch what I do and even fill out your own practice ballot. Yes, there will be stickers.
- Every time you tip your chair back, my hair turns grayer.
- No, Dears. Mommy’s not yelling at you. Mommy’s yelling at the silly men who don’t know how to play baseball.
- No, these men are not playing baseball. They are playing hockey. Yes. Mommy is mad at the hockey players. Yes, they are in trouble.
- What do you mean your friends don’t dance through the house with their parents? Of course they do!
- Please say the three magic words when asking for anything: “Gimme, Gimme Now.”
- No, you can’t have chocolate for breakfast. That’s for your mother.
- There are two things you must do before you go to college. Number One: Learn to cook. Number Two: Take ballroom dancing lessons. You do not want to look like Elaine in Seinfeld when you’re invited to a wedding. Number Three: Study at least one language. Yes, even Latin is fine. No, Pig Latin is not fine. Number Four: Learn everything else you’re going to need to know. Number Five: Start calling home all the time now so you’ll know how to do this when you go to college.
- You have it so easy. And stop rolling your eyes. Back in my day, when I wrote a research paper, I’d visit the library and lug these dense, soft-sided books with ridiculously small print to the table. I looked up key words in the Readers Guide to Periodical Literature. These volumes indexed just about every article written. I jotted down publication names, dates and articles of interest, but usually, the library didn’t carry the magazines I most needed. Finally, I searched the rack, hoping to find a few things on my list. There was no Google.
- There was no “printer” either. You typed everything and if you goofed, you used a typewriter eraser and tried not to rip the paper.
- Even though you are mortified that I still repeat the rhyme you made up when you both were little, I’m going to do it anyway.
- “Bye. I love you. Have a good day. See you later. Hey! Hey! Hey!”
- Mothers always get in the last word.
October 24, 2013