(Pic of mostly-shoveled deck and my accessible grill. Cheeseburgers in Paradise!)
(Pic of front yard from my living room window.)
If shoveling were sport, we would be competing in the “Snowbowl.” But as boxing is a better metaphor, how about, “The Battle of Beantown,” “The Rumble in Bahston,” or “The Thrilla in Dunkin Villa”?
For weeks now, You’ve been pummeling us with snow, wind, cold and ice. We’ve staggered a few times with wobbly knees, sore arms and aching backs. A couple of times we’ve barely escaped getting knocked out, saved only by the bell ending another round of snow.
Like Ali against Foreman, we’ve leaned against the snowbanks and absorbed your hits. (Actually this is a good way to make the sidewalk path a little wider.)
Beginning today, we fight back! The sequel: Revenge of the Snow People!
First, we need to set the proper mood. Dig out your swimsuits and sunscreen. Wear white. (Yes, I know it’s not Memorial Day yet, but desperate times call for desperate measures.) Don’t forget the straw hats, visors and baseball caps. Ladies, put on your white cotton gloves and pastel colors. Well, okay, forget the gloves and pastels, but find those sandals.
Shovel off your deck and start grilling. Eat key lime pie while blasting Jimmy Buffett from your speakers. Don’t forget the pink flamingos. No more sanding the sidewalk – just put the snow in a big pile, make a small beach and build a sand castle. Drink lemonade. Make mojitos. And put those little drink umbrellas in everything!
Now, for the Plan of Attack:
Paint the top of the snow black. White reflects light and heat, but dark colors absorb it.
Cover your entire house with aluminum foil and mirrors. (Remember to put the shiny side of the foil facing away from the house.)
Find every light and extension cord you have and put them outside, around your house, and turn them on. Use bulbs with higher watts, preferably a couple thousand. (Be careful not to electrocute yourself.)
The snow will melt faster than the Wicked Witch of the West.
Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk!
February 16, 2015